


Emptiness Is All You Know

by quicksilverstucky (quicksilvermalec)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Angst, Bucky is depressed af, Bucky-centric angst, M/M, Tw for self-harm, tw for suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-06 00:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18839608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quicksilvermalec/pseuds/quicksilverstucky
Summary: I'm bleeding out for you (for you)***A misunderstanding leads to something far more severe.





	Emptiness Is All You Know

{Bucky}  
“Now I have to deal with Bucky, too.”

That’s what Steve had told Tony.

Is that all I am now? Bucky thought. A problem?

Obviously, he wasn’t good enough for Steve.

He had tried so hard to be perfect. To be enough.

Obviously, he’d failed.

[Steve]  
“Are you okay, Steve?” Tony asked him. He shook his head. “I’m tired, I guess.”

“You want to talk?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“So what’s going on?” Steve sat down on the couch next to Tony, grateful that his friend cared enough to listen to him rant.

“I just… it’s hard to be Captain America, you know, America’s golden boy, embodiment of our values and all that stuff. It’s a lot of responsibility and it’s kind of been weighing down on me. And now… now I have to deal with Bucky, too.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “It’s not that I’m not happy to be around him, but I am just stressed out. I go home and I take care of him and I don’t complain because oh, god, if he felt like a burden lord only knows what he would do to himself. And I just… I can’t handle it right now, that’s all.”

“Well, I’m always here if you need me. You’re my best friend, Steve.”

“Thanks, Tony. I have to leave now, but I’ll talk to you later.” He stood up and grabbed his coat before leaving to go back to his apartment.

{Bucky}  
_Burden_.

The word was poison in his mind. He hated it. He hated himself. He hated what he’d become and what he’d done to Steve.

He didn’t want to keep going.

He found the razor in the bag. He’d always cut his left arm, but now that it was made of metal, he couldn’t. That was okay, though. Since his arm had been replaced he’d been ambidextrous.

He grabbed the razor with steady hands and ran it across his wrist.

Again.

And again.

_I’m bleeding out_  
_And if the last thing that I do_  
_Is bring you down_  
_I’ll bleed out for you_  
_So I bear my skin and I count my sins_  
_And I close my eyes and I take it in_  
_And I’m bleeding out_  
_I’m bleeding out for you (for you)_

He dragged it across his skin many times. He remembered something he’d seen once.

How to kill yourself by cutting.

And he was seriously considering it.

Steve didn’t want him. That was obvious.

Nobody loved him. Why would they? He was nothing more than the _asset_. Their tool. Their puppet.

The Winter Soldier.

_When the day has come_  
_But I’ve lost my way around_  
_And the seasons stop_  
_And hide beneath the ground_  
_And everything is screaming_  
_I will reach inside_  
_Just to find my heart is beating_

_You tell me to hold on_  
_Oh, you tell me to hold on_  
_But innocence is gone_  
_And what was right is wrong_

[Steve]  
He unlocked the door leisurely and opened it. He draped his jacket over the back of the couch and started into his room.

He heard something.

He turned and looked for the source of the noise.

He quickly identified it as coming from the bathroom. He turned and tried to open the door.

It was locked.

He banged on it a couple times, and it came off its hinges.

The image he saw terrified him.

_I’m bleeding out_  
_And if the last thing that I do_  
_Is bring you down_  
_I’ll bleed out for you_  
_So I bear my skin and I count my sins_  
_And I close my eyes and I take it in_  
_I’m bleeding out_  
_I’m bleeding out for you (for you)_

He was dying.

He wasn’t just dying, he was _killing himself_.

He was sitting on the floor, ruthlessly making cuts in his flesh arm with a razor blade.

“Bucky,” Steve whispered.

Bucky looked up at him with no emotion in his eyes. “You didn’t want me. You don’t want me, nobody loves me, why should I keep living?”

“I don’t just want you, Buck, I _need_ you. Desperately. Please, you can’t do this to me.”

“Why not? It’s your fault, after all.”

_When the hour is nigh_  
_And hopelessness is sinking in_  
_And wolves all cry_  
_To feel they’re not worth hollering_  
_When your eyes are red_  
_And emptiness is all you know_  
_With the darkness fed_  
_I will be your scarecrow_

_You tell me to hold on_  
_Oh, you tell me to hold on_  
_But innocence is gone_  
_And what was right is wrong_

Steve tackled him.

“Please Bucky, don’t do this. I love you,” he sobbed into the brunet’s chest.

“It’s a little late for that, Rogers. You already basically said that I’m a problem. A burden. And I hate myself for that. How can I live with myself when I’m just more weight, more pressure, more stress on the only person I’ve ever loved?”

Steve slowly stood up, thinking that the threat was gone. “If you think I’m going to stand by and watch you kill yourself, then you’re very wrong.”

Bucky stood and looked at him almost regretfully. Before Steve could move, he grabbed the razor and darted past him.

“You won’t have to watch.”

He ran.

_‘Cause I’m bleeding out_  
_And if the last thing that I do_  
_Is to bring you down_  
_I’ll bleed out for you_  
_So I bear my skin and I count my sins_  
_And I close my eyes and I take it in_  
_I’m bleeding out_  
_I’m bleeding out for you (for you)_

_I’m bleeding out for you (for you)_  
_I’m bleeding out for you (for you)_  
_I’m bleeding out for you (for you)_  
_I’m bleeding out for you (for you)_

Steve searched for four days.

He eventually found Bucky dead in a building that used to be the apartment they lived in before the war.

Before Steve’s mistake.

Before he ruined everything.

_‘Cause I’m bleeding out_  
_And if the last thing that I do_  
_Is to bring you down_  
_I’ll bleed out for you_  
_So I bear my skin and I count my sins_  
_And I close my eyes and I take it in_  
_I’m bleeding out_  
_I’m bleeding out for you (for you)_


End file.
